Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes