Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Suuuuure

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

be safe out there!

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.