Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.