If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Google Pay be like:
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*