If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.