If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
You Might Also Like
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
buys donuts instead
