@Wuttercuerk

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

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@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@BunAndLeggings

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

@JennyJohnsonHi5

In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There’s apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.