If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I only eat vegetarians.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.