me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off
me: im not vibing with this baby man
doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious
my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Me: it’s complicated
My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The sweats say I’ve given up. The Nike logo says “but not entirely.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There’s apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.