If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.