Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy