Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Is fructose made with real fruct?

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine