if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.