Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her: