if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though