Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both