if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
adding to the discourse
I thought this was funny lol
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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3.
4.
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6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.