If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you know, you know
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.