If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
You Might Also Like
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
everyone’s a critic
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded