Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot