If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.