If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
umm…
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed