If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
