If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Legend 🤣🤣
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.