If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
sensitive skin
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]