If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.