If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.