If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.