if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Just added something to my bucket list.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
PLEASE READ
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
sistine chapel
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!