Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Good morning

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.