If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross