If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.