If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me driving through Toronto
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
