If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
ready to be harvested
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.