If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….