Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

monday

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.