If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants