If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)