If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…