Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Saw online –

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.