If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
God has abandoned us.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.