If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper