If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or