If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!