If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.