If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
He’s cranky this morning
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong