Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.