Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

🐶😂

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11