Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

How dramatic are you?