Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

I bet birds love this building.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

birds and squirrels envy us

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.