Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

I need a long hot meteor shower

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

I think my mom just blocked me

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*