Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.