If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
That’s what I call a flat tire
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!