If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect