Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.