Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I see your IQ test came back negative

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion