If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.