If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.