Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses