Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones