Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.