Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.