Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

all that yoga finally paid off