If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Terribly Tuesday.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep