If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You Might Also Like
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Okay this one takes it home
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.