If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Very good news from my accountant
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.