If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Customize Your Wedding.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what