Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]