If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
idk what he going thru but i feel him
