Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

When ur friends with white people

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.