Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty