If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.