If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
You can’t outrun your problems…
I’ll be mad as hell!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.