Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.