If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Good morning ☺️
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.