Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Most Common Source of Electricity

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.