Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

Would you wear it?

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.